September 21, 2018.
Do you have a lot of trash or junk in your way and need to make it disappear? Have you been storing boxes of stuff and don’t even know what’s inside anymore, but somehow, you’re not missing it? Old unused or worn out furniture, clothing and toys can accumulate over the years and sooner or later something will come up and cause you to want to get rid of everything quickly. Do you need to stage an intervention for a hoarder? Has a family member passed and you need to clear the estate quickly to sell or rent the property? Did your renter leave a ton of junk behind when they hurriedly moved out? You need to get that stuff out asap before you can rent the space to another tenant. Did you finally score that awesome job position and need to relocate quickly? What will you do with all the stuff you don’t want to take with you?
Well, you could always hire the mob as your rubbish removal contractors. What if you couldtap into the legendary skills of the Mafiosi to “disappear” your old junk? Let’s take a look.
Your local “family clan” has a unique ability to hide or get rid of evidence, or, as they refer to it, “Spring Cleaning.” What if that skill translated to dealing with your junk? You could have the family Capo lead his crew of soldiersto execute a contract on your old couch. Mobsters are fond of chainsaws, axes and trash bags. You’d have to come across with a good-sized box of contractor bags, but they would provide a discreet area with a tarp to catch all the debris, leaving little behind. Unfortunately, this requires that you also allow “made men” or at the very least, felons, into your home armed with sharp implements and gloves to hide fingerprints. If that doesn’t bother you, go ahead and hire the mob to whack your davenport. Perhaps they might even provide their own bedsheet to wrap the remains in as they two-man carry it out your back door. One of the soldiers might probably has a cousin, Jimmy, who works at the local funeral parlor as a cover. If so, then Jimmy might allow them to use his hearse to haul the “stiff,” sending it to an unmarked watery grave. As long as the crew didn’t expect you to act like their “cugine” or cousins, you might avoid having to get your own hands dirty. We recommend, however, that if they request you prove yourself, don’t argue with them about grabbing a corner and helping. You wouldn’t want to look like a “Fascia Bruta” and lose all respectability.
You could call the Enforcer on your mound of old clothes, records, exercise equipment and electronics, as long as you don’t mind acid burns in your bathtub. It’s a fair bet that they wouldn’t put your items on the curb or worry about where your junk ended up as long as it was done quickly and quietly. While Enforcers do work for a “Waste Management Business” of sorts, they’re not necessarily someone you’d want to refer to as true rubbish removal contractors. How much does that Enforcer charge, anyway? There’s got to be some way they come dressed “wearing it” like they do, and those kinds of threads can cost a large wad of lettuce. Let’s face it, if you’re trying to save money, a mob enforcer probably doesn’t come cheap. The other worry is that he may not charge you at all. Now, that day may never come, but you definitely don’t want him to call upon you to do a “service” for him, sometime in the future.
Go to the Mattresses
You could get your local mob clan to “go to the mattresses” with your actual stained or broken mattresses. That would depend, of course if they were willing to do more than leave you with an unwelcome and horrifying gift under the sheets on your recyclable mattress or box spring. Having those kinds of unnecessary stains added to your old mattress that otherwise could still be useful might make it more difficult for a charity to accept as a donation. Calling in a favor or asking for that kind of shakedown on your old junk might cause you more difficulty in actually getting rid of it. In the end, going to the mattresses doesn’t really get rid of anything in a responsible way.
Rubbish Removal Contractors You Won’t be Afraid to Use
Hiring the mob as rubbish removal contractors comes with complications. Do they care about donating your useable junk to the local charities? Even if they did, what would their tribute to the Boss be? Using the mob to get your donatable items to the right charities might actually cost you money in the end. Does the mob even care about recycling? Placing your junk in cement shoes so it can sleep with the fishes sounds an awful lot like polluting the community water source or environmental waterways.
Don’t be a jamook. You don’t want to be held to an Omertá vow of silence, run the risk of getting pinched by the cops for serious littering crimes, or have to go on the lam or in the wind for it. You just want to get rid of your junk, all of it, quickly and easily. You want to know that as much of your junk is kept out of the landfill as possible. You care about helping out your local community with donations to charity and recycling your junk at the proper centers. You want to be sure that the remaining lot of useless junk will be disposed of legally and responsibly. Avoid needing the Witness Protection Program. Call Jiffy Junk or go online to schedule your appointment and let our pros come out. In one day, they’ll get all of your junk out of the way, cleaning up the mess afterward and you won’t need an alibi. Leave the gun, take the cannoli. Call Jiffy Junk today.