July 20, 2018.
You’ve finally found that perfect new sectional to give your apartment just the right look. You see in your mind exactly how you’ll arrange your new living room; complete with a few new lamps, a fresh coat of paint, and new pillows.
There’s only one problem. What to do with the old couch you’ve had since your first apartment?
Maybe you could give it to the Salvation Army or another thrift store? Look at your old couch… take a reallook. They say if you wouldn’t give it to relatives, thrift stores won’t want it, either. Would any of your family want it? Nope. They’ve already complained about the smell and raggedy appearance when you had them over for your cat’s birthday party.
There are many ways to get rid of that old stinky couch, and often with side benefits of being a good Samaritan and helping others. With some elbow grease and a little imagination, it should be easy to follow these unofficial rules for disposing of your couch when you live in NYC.
- Create New Living Space
Does your apartment have access to living space outdoors? Do you live near the roof, an ally, or even a fire escape? If so, you can create an inviting outdoor space everyone can appreciate by setting up your old couch, a few crates, and some potted plants. Don’t worry about invading your building’s public spaces. Just check in with your landlords and show them how you can be the resident hero. Even a smelly couch will be welcome for your guests and neighbors who are tired and want to relax in the great outdoors. Everyone expects the city to have a distinct odor, after all.
- Save the Animals
Let’s face it, there are a lot of stray animals wandering around your building. Find an empty space next to your dumpster and place your couch upside down to create a shelter for your furry friends. Use the cushions to line the ground for a soft sleeping area. Add some newspapers and old towels for creature comforts and — “voila!” — you’ve created an oasis for those homeless strays. Make sure to get the ok from your building manager. You wouldn’t want them to think you meant to just dump the couch when nobody was watching.
- Get Organic
Have access to a rooftop? If so, have your buddies lug that old sofa up the utility stairs to the roof. Your couch is a great receptacle for growth with its own bacteria and grime that has accumulated over the years. Remove the cushions and fill the seating area with bags of dirt. Select various seeds or starter plants for your new rooftop container garden. Just think, you could really grow and serve your own, genuine, couch potatoes. You can’t get any more organic than that.
- Be Creative and Generous
Want to help others and use your creativity in a positive way? If you’ve already started growing your couch garden, you still have remaining seat cushions to get rid of. Why waste them? Instead, cut the upholstery and stuffing to create 2000 pin cushions. You can either sell these for a tidy profit or bless all your neighborhood would-be seamstresses with a thoughtful gift.
- Support the Arts
Here’s a way to give back to your local art scene while getting a well-deserved tax write-off. Start your own ZEF art following by adding some bling to your old couch. Support the raging counter-culture, post-apocalyptic, modern art movement while giving your rustic and iconic settee some creative love. Think about hot gluing a few craft store jewels along the back, tying some old car chrome to the armrests, bolting shiny found objects to the seats and perhaps adding spray paint details to make a powerful statement. You could transform your humble, working class davenport into a symbol of nuevo-riche swag. You’ll be fighting off the gallery curators competing for your donation.
- Hide the Evidence
Have you ever wanted to experience the drama of a detective television series? Disposing of unwanted couch evidence is a skill to be admired. Grab your handy crow bar and chainsaw and completely dismember your couch into tiny pieces in the privacy of your living room. Divide the remains into separate contractor bags. Be careful to only lightly fill each for the ease of one-handed carry. This will create many bags, so be ready to store them in your home and add them to your trash collection a few at a time, over a period of weeks. Of course, trashing your couch will set you back for the cost of the bags, the chainsaw, gasoline, and the crow bar, unless you already own them. This will take all day and a lot of sweat equity, while leaving you a heck of a mess in your apartment, but you’ll gain the satisfaction of finally living out your TV fantasy.
A less complicated solution is to stake out the local cemeteries, looking for a pre-dug grave left open and waiting overnight. When you find one, grab your buddies and sneak around buildings without being seen, then sink your sofa into the new waiting hole. Hopefully, nobody will notice your pre-dawn shenanigan the next day during the funeral. If so, your furniture could be buried under the casket with no one else the wiser.
- Safety First!
Finally, the most important rule of couch disposal in the city: keep it safe.
Everybody loves a good explosion. You can get rid of your couch while also entertaining your family and friends at a safe distance. You may choose to dispose of your couch via explosion after obtaining the proper permits. It’s important to maximize your impact and satisfaction by documenting the detonation with a video to be shared on YouTube within 30 minutes of the explosion. Guaranteed to create years of viral internet satisfaction, even if you skipped the permits and must watch it from a jail dayroom.
There Is a Better Way to Accomplish Couch Disposal In NYC!
These unofficial rules provide lots of great opportunities for delving into artistic expression, working out emotional issues, and making a local name for yourself. However, you might just want to get rid of that couch without breaking your back or having to buy pizza for all your friends in an easy, albeit less creative, but legal and inexpensive way. Call Jiffy Junk or go online to make an appointment with our service team to do your dirty work. We’ll make sure that couch is history, and no one has to get hurt.